Loved as you are 🌸

Now a mother, once a child

As an adolescent, I was always a dreamer. I was very optimistic and at times, somewhat delusional. I dreamt about creating things that I didn’t know how to create, but sometimes I’d find my way there. I didn’t dream about the things other friends dreamt about though.

My friends imagined their future weddings and husbands, how many children they would have, and how many boys or girls would make up their perfect family. I never romanticized being married. I never pictured what my wedding dress would look like or had visions of big weddings or small weddings. I never preferred having a family made up of boys or girls in specified quantities.

There is one little detail that I did dream about though, and it was the name, “Lilia.” I do remember saying many times that I love the name “Lilia” and maybe one day I’ll give that name to one of my kids.

I have two kids now, neither of whom is named Lilia.

When I started writing music again, that name floated back to me in this very gentle and soft way. Over time, I’ve tried to understand the significance of this name and why it’s been hanging around in my psyche for all these years.

If you stop to considerate it, childhood is fascinating to experience and would be even more fascinating if you could grasp what you’re experiencing as it’s happening. The speed with which everything changes, the ways you grow beyond your wildest imagination, how you go from not doing things to doing things you never thought possible before, and all the strength you see in yourself as you acquire new skills - it's incredible.

But childhood is also hard. You want control, but you can’t have it. You rely on others for almost everything and it’s not really up to you when that changes. Sometimes there’s too much support, and sometimes it feels like support is being intentionally withheld, and a lot of growing up and finding yourself is very confusing.

Seeing a child for who they are is one of the greatest gifts a parent can give. As I think of all the loving ways I am certainly messing up my own kids, I know that no parent, no matter how well-intentioned, is always going to get it right. All I can hope is to give my kids the space to be who they are and not demand they become a reflection of who I want them to be.

Here is “Lilia,” a song about stumbling your way through your children blooming into whoever they are going to be. I feel compelled to share it now despite it being in the very early stages of production; this is Tyler from Twice Young’s first pass at the production (no revisions) and additional vocals are still in progress with my partner, Bryan Russell. The holiday season can be tough for so many reasons, and it’s a strange time of year when even as a fully grown adult, you turn back into someone’s child in one way or another.

My children are Lilia to me, and I think this name has stayed with me because the child within me is Lilia as well. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to perform this one because it breaks me every time I try, but maybe one day.

If you do listen, please send me an email or a message on my socials. I’d love to know what you think. As always, thank you for being here.

P.S. This is me in my wedding dress. It was the very first one I tried on. It was created by the amazing Leanne Marshall, a wonderful human who left an impression on me from the moment I met her, and whom I admire to this day for her creativity and commitment to her craft.